Today marks three years since I had my first miscarriage (the first of two sadly and the 'easier' of the two if there is such a thing as an 'easy' miscarriage!) Firstly, I can't believe it has been three years. Secondly, I am grateful for what I have got and do understand that sometimes things happen for a reason, even though I never knew what that reason was, and I would not have my boys if I had not had these unsuccessful pregnancies. However, this does not mean I have forgotten and it also does not mean I cannot be a little sad.
It's easy to feel very alone after a miscarriage, but talking about it to people meant that I suddenly discovered I knew many people who had been through the same and it is actually incredibly, and very sadly, a common occurrence. However, just because something is common it does not make it any less heartbreaking at the time, and indeed for some a long while after.
Everyone handles miscarriage differently and the truth is there is no 'correct way' to cope. A lot of people, particularly those that have never suffered a miscarriage do not understand, (and to be honest how could they), often thinking that it was not an actual baby, or in my case, already having one child at the time, that I should just be grateful I was able to have one. (I always found this one particularly hard- I mean if you had two sisters and one died no-one would ever say 'well, at least you have another one'!!) Whilst all these things may be true to an extent, and I do believe that the body is a clever thing and that perhaps my babies were not well enough to live, I still carried those babies inside me, albeit for a short time. I saw the second baby on a screen at the hospital and still have a picture. They had heartbeats. They may have been short lived heartbeats, but they were alive at some point so no-one can say they were not real.
The Miscarriage Association explains this better than I can:
'After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for the hopes and plans and dreams that you had for your baby and your family. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of this baby. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be.'
So whilst I am being thankful and feeling incredibly blessed to have three healthy children and an incredibly supportive husband, I will take a moment later to remember my babies that did not make it into the world this evening whilst I light a candle because they were part of me.
Here are some poems about miscarriage:
I didn’t get to feel you kick, or look into your eyes.
I didn’t hold you in my arms, or hear your little cry.
I didn’t get to see your smile, or even know your name.
But, you’ll always be my baby and I love you just the same.
by Summer Herbst
The world may never notice If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms, Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way For all eternity.
The little one we long for Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty, Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts Says that we love you.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
If anyone knows of anymore particularly those that are special to them, please feel free to add them.
Websites that I found useful: